Sunday 4 July 2010

A Joke

So, Jose and Alseno are sitting on a log in Betano, contemplating the horizon.

“You know Alseno” says Jose, “If I were to win the Timor Telcom lottery I would give you half”.

“You would?” says Alseno.

“Of course, you are my best friend. And if I had two houses I would give you one, because you are my best friend”

“You would?” says Alseno.

“I would” answers Jose “because you are my best friend. And if I had two buffalo I would give you one, because you are my best friend”

“You would?” asks Alseno.

“Of course I would, because you are my best friend. And if I had two goats, I would give you one”.

“You would?” replies Alseno. “And what if you had two chickens?”

“Fuck off, you know I’ve got two chickens”


Wednesday 5 May 2010

Baffled Backpackers Buggered at Batugade

As most of us are aware this year our President, Jose Ramos Horta has set up quite a few events to help encourage tourism in our wonderful country. We will be having the first underwater photo contest, the second Tour de Timor, the Dili Marathon, the endurance race and quite a few other events including the re-instatement of the Darwin to Dili yacht race. These are all wonderful things and I must say that I personally am looking forward to them all very much.
Not so the Ministry of the Interior. In their supreme wisdom this ministry has decided that at the moment the only way for any tourists to get here is by 'plane. A few weeks ago it was decided that anyone coming to our country overland from West Timor will no longer be able to get a visa at the border. You CAN enter the country this way if you have a previous Timor-Leste tourist visa in your passport but not if you are a first time visitor. Apparently, in theory you can get a visa at the consulate in Kupang or Bali. In practice you can't. See this link for reasons why.

So, all you first time visitors to Timor-Leste, "piss off".


Banana Republic or what?

In today's (May 5th 2010) Timor-Leste newspapers the following Prime Ministrial edict appeared:
(please excuse the translation from Tetum)

Based on instructions from His Excellency Mr. Prime Minister and from the Ministry of Tourism, Commerce and Industry:

1. Bussiness's such as supermarkets, shops and kiosks, all of them in Dili, must participate in the general clean-up which takes place every week on Friday by cleaning the area in front of their place of business.

2. Starting today 3rd May 2010 all supermarkets, shops and kiosks in Dili have to paint and decorate with coloured fairy lights to commemmorate the restoration of independence on 20th May.

NB - Those who do not participate in the general clean-up and do not follow these instructions will be sanctioned by the withdrawal of their business licenses by the Ministry of Tourism, Commerce and Industry.

Signed and stamped by:
Fernando Da Silva,
National Director of Commerce.

What a bloody joke. This is what you fought for Falantil.
I wonder whose relatives have a coloured fairy lights and paint business?


Timor Telecon

So, here's what happened.
I woke up at 6am on Friday and thought I'd play a bit of 'Mafia Wars' on the old internet. Unfortunately the old internet decided that 6am was a bit early for it so I couldn't get on line. Eventually, at 7.15am I managed to get through to Timor Telecon 'customer support' (no, thats not an oxymoron (actually it is)) and was told that a 'technician' may show up in "around 3 days"! I was also given a complaint number. After explaining to the lady at 'customer support' that the problem was probably with the Timor Telecon main frame we said our goodbyes.
After 7 more 'phone calls to 'customer support' a 'technician' (and I use the term lightly) finally turned up at 5pm. This chap then proceeded to check all my connections, making sure that in a sudden frenzy I had not disconnected anything, added anything, taken away anything or had not deliberately fucked up my own internet. He then decided that maybe my problem was with the landline and he would call his office to check said Timor Telecon landline. Unfortunately the Timor Telecon technicians Timor Telecon telephone had a flat battery. So he used my landline to 'phone his office to check that my landline was working! Doh! After ascertaining that my landline was indeed working he told me that the problem was probably with the Timor Telecon main frame (yep) and he would go back and get it fixed. We parted on good terms considering that I was thinking of setting my dogs on him and all Timor Telecon employees and shareholders (especially the bloody shareholders).
After waiting what I thought was a reasonable time (1 hour) with still no internet I 'phoned 'customer support' again. I was again told that a 'technician' would arrive in 'around 3 days' again! Aaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh! This on a Friday evening and Saturday and Sunday were not part of the 3 days.
So, later on the Friday evening I 'phoned 'customer support' again, mistakenly thinking that as it was a 24hour service they might not be so busy at that time of night and that I might get a bit more satisfaction. Wrong again. The wanker on the end of the line laughed at me and then hung up!
Monday morning, 1135am, and I was advised to buy an electricity stabilizer. So I did. Plugged it in. Still no internet. The 'technician' then told me the problem was probably with Timor poxy Telecon.
Maybe we will get it fixed today Mister. Fat chance.
Well, hush my mouth and slap my wrists. At 5.30pm the internet just magically reappeared and I was online. Hooray!
Fuck 'em though. I'm still posting this.

Tuesday 4 May 2010

So Where Was I?

Oh Yeah,
I notice that in this weeks (03/14/10) edition of TEMPO SEMANAL that our illoustrious leader only had 19 pictures published of HIMSELF. Something should be done. This is not enough.

JB what are you up to?


Wednesday 18 November 2009

Whale Of A Time

The following pictures are of a Humpback whale cow and calf taken at Bob's Rock yesterday, 17th November at about 1pm. The calf kept breaching while mum kept a careful watch. Mum is the very large light blue object under the water.

I love it here

Thursday 12 November 2009

I Just Couldn't Resist This

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first