A Joke

So, Jose and Alseno are sitting on a log in Betano, contemplating the horizon.

“You know Alseno” says Jose, “If I were to win the Timor Telcom lottery I would give you half”.

“You would?” says Alseno.

“Of course, you are my best friend. And if I had two houses I would give you one, because you are my best friend”

“You would?” says Alseno.

“I would” answers Jose “because you are my best friend. And if I had two buffalo I would give you one, because you are my best friend”

“You would?” asks Alseno.

“Of course I would, because you are my best friend. And if I had two goats, I would give you one”.

“You would?” replies Alseno. “And what if you had two chickens?”

“Fuck off, you know I’ve got two chickens”

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Manners Maketh the Man

The following was posted on the self-important blog “Living Timorously” which I am sure some of you read on a regular basis.
My reply will appear after you have read the post.


Bitch Ambassador
My dealings with East Timor have brought me into contact with many different people all over the world, and normally, they're quite approachable. However, it seems that some of my fellow British citizens lag way behind other nationalities in the manners and friendliness stakes.Recently, I met the last British Ambassador to Dili. As I mentioned before, the British Embassy has been axed, thereby saving the Exchequer around £300,000. That will buy you a one-bedroom flat in central London, if you're lucky. I was interested to talk to her, and had actually been to her house, where an East Timorese friend was living while she was doing her Master's degree here.I met her at an event on Monday, and mentioned that we had a few mutual friends and acquaintances, as well as the fact that I was hoping to go out to Dili to work in the Foreign Ministry. However, when I phoned her a couple of days later, I had doubts as to whether I was speaking to the same person. Now, I regret that I called at an inconvenient time, but in such circumstances, it's common courtesy just to say "it's not a good time, some other time, perhaps?" Polite without being euphemistic - I hate it when people say "can I call you back?" But no, I got "Get on with it, what do you want? Why do you want my email address?" and, forsooth, "you're stealing my evening!" Sure, I have a short fuse, and I think that I will let rip when I deal with some of the people working in the government in East Timor - before you accuse me of being the bullying expatriate, the people I would most have a bone to pick with would also be foreigners. However, I do hope that Her Britannic Majesty's Ambassador to the Democratic Republic of 'Timor Leste' wouldn't have been as surly or as truculent with East Timorese as she was with me.But that's the British Foreign Office for you - full of people who love foreigners and despise their own people. Canberra might have the 'Jakarta Lobby', but Whitehall has the 'Any National Capital but London Lobby'.I wish I had an Australian passport - not only would I have consular facilities in Dili, but in my experience, Australians tend to be much friendlier, even former diplomats. (I'm referring to James Dunn - I have no desire to meet Richard Woolcott, however affable he may be.) No wonder they think Poms are stuck up. Even if our former Ambassador in Dili becomes Ambassador or High Commissioner to somewhere more important, and gets a damehood (DCMG - Do Call Me God) she should remember that good manners cost nothing.


I take great exception to this post. Tina is and was a friend and one of the nicest people I have ever met. During the ‘crisis’ last year she was the personification of ‘grace under fire’.
I know you will find that Tina was never as “surly or as truculent” with East Timorese as she was with you because I doubt if any East Timorese were as arrogant, self-centered and patronizing as you probably were with her.
Oh, and if, God forbid, you do get the job at the Foreign Ministry, once in a while stop and think of the Timorese who could have had jobs building the place instead of those same jobs going to imported Chinese labour.
And as for wishing you were Australian with consular facilities here, maybe if and when you get here you should talk to some of the Australians living and working here and ask their opinions of their embassy.
Calling any Ambassador, or any woman come to that, a ‘bitch’ seems to me to be the very nadir of manners. Bad manners cost nothing also it seems.

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Random Stuff

Aussie sayings I really like:
“He’s got a face like a dropped pie”.
“Well, that went down like a wrought iron hang-glider.”

Things said on my verandah in the past week
“I feel like making a ricey mixture thing”.......
“That’s called a risotto in every other language”. err, only in Italian I think.

“I must have lots of eggs in case I have to make an emergency quiche”

Dili Directions:
You go past ‘Rubbish Ridge’
Cross over ‘Pig Bridge’
Where ‘Hello Mr.’ used to be.
Where the ‘dead cow’ used to be
The old New Resende
Where the market used to be (could be anywhere)
Where the old Dili club used to be
Where the new Dili club is
Past Ramos Horta’s house
The old Poy Chalor
Kiwi lines on the right, the old Makota on the left
Past the Jardine/Airport/Arte Moris (insert name here) IDP camp

Musings:
This country has one of the highest unemployment rates in the world.
Why do we have so many holidays? And from what?

Do white Pajero’s with tinted windows and no licence plates make you as nervous as they do me?

Why is it that when you are in this country you want to grab it by the shoulder and give it a good hard shake and yet when you are out of it you want to get back as quickly as possible?

Situation Vacant

Click to enlarge.....

Missing

I received the following photo and message via my Dive blog. If you know this guy or have seen him about get him to 'phone home. His parents are worried.


Sirs !
For two years my son has been lost somewhere in the world and as parents we are quite concerned
Does he need help or some kind of assistance.. is he still alive for our peace of mind we want to know his fate
Suddenly there was a rumour that he was in East Timor and since he is a diving man I take the liberty to ask if you have seen this young swede?
Max Castor 188 cm tall slender buildt and last known picture is included
There is a reward for information about his fate and if you see/meet him ask him to kontakt home all resonable costs will be refunded ...
Rolf Castor with family concerned parents
Backvindeln 77 SE 129 42 Hagersten Sweden castor@telia.com +46-8-885136 +46-(0)70 22 99 388

Big Of Him.

E Timor militia leader ready to apologise
By Geoff Thompson
The jailed East Timorese militia commander, Eurico Guterres, says he is prepared to apologise for the violence of 1999, if East Timor guarantees it will accept his apology.
Guterres is currently serving a 10-year sentence for human rights abuses.
Supporters applauded often as Eurico Guterres spoke rapidly, passionately and continuously before another sitting of East Timor and Indonesia's Commission of Truth and Friendship (CTF).
The CTF was warned by the former Aitarak militia commander to prepare for failure because he says human rights abuses in East Timor date back much further than 1999.
Eurico Guterres was embraced by the commission's chairman as he offered an open letter to Indonesia in which he apologised for tarnishing the nation's human rights image, suggesting sarcastically that perhaps he should have supported East Timor's secession and burned the Indonesian flag.

Well, that's alright then.......

Polish Friends

This post is for a Polish couple who were in ET last year. If the post is not obviously for you please ignore and I will remove it when I get a reply from my mates.

My dear little ex-communist whey-faced potato eaters. I cannot answer your emails because the address Mataeus gave is NO GOOD. Hotmail will not let me send to that address. You can answer on this blog, if you read it. Hope all is well with you both and that you get to use the Alladin soon.

Sex Blue Cheese

NZ to send more troops to East Timor
By Peter Lewis
New Zealand is to send more troops to East Timor ahead of next month's presidential elections.
It will take the total deployment from across the Tasman to around 200.
Prime Minister Helen Clark says New Zealand will send two Iroquois helicopters along with 32 flight and ground crew to provide additional transport support for United Nations (UN) operations in East Timor.
New Zealand's also sending a more senior officer to command its contingent which will comprise 180 defence force personnel and 25 police working with the UN mission.

I hope we won’t face any language problems. Reminds me of about 5 years ago when we were living in Comoro. We had a lovely Kiwi girl staying with us who one day asked me if she could have “sex blue cheese”. I thought my luck was in but after a while I realized she was asking if she could borrow ‘six blue chairs’.
Bugger.

Nothing To Report

It’s been a funny couple of days. Everything appears to be back to ‘normal’ which in itself feels strange. The shops are open, people are back on the streets and most of the bars and restaurants have been open in the evening. A lot of people are putting this down to the fact that the f-FDTL are back on the streets and the boys know that you don’t mess with them. This could be true.
A couple of interesting snippets from yesterdays ‘Timor Post’.:
The Minister of Justice has said that if prison guards have helped prisoners escape from prison they will go to prison.
And the Department of Water and Sanitation has had to place an ad. asking people not to beat up, threaten or throw rocks at its employees whilst they go about their business in Dili digging ditches for the new water pipes.
I find that very sad.
Talking of Water and Sanitation, whilst ‘de-stressing’ (thanks Squatter) the other evening in a local ‘de-stressing’ salon the talk got around to bravery and courage and its many manifestations. I offered the following anecdote:
Last May, from about the 20th onwards, a lone old chap was digging a ditch outside our house ready for the installation of the new water pipes. His only tool was a 1metre long piece of metal. The ditch was absolutely perfect, straight and true. On the 24th May, in the morning, while the old guy was digging his ditch a major gun battle erupted on the street. We rushed out to the old boy and tried to get him to come in to our place for his own safety. He refused. All he did was roll himself a big fat smelly durrie and his ditch then became a trench. He lay down, smoked the durrie and had a nap while the bullets were flying over his head. After about an hour, when the shooting had stopped, he got up and resumed digging the ditch. He came back for the next 3 days until his ditch was dug.!
Its people like him that make me love this country.

'Anonymous'

It is with regret that I am closing this blog to 'anonymous' comments for the time being.
It is still easy to post comments with a google sign in. Anyone can get one. It just takes a couple of minutes. Just follow the instructions on the screen.

Further Reading

I realise that some if not most of you will have already found the following blog but I’m going to post it anyway.
Political, and agree with it or not, it is certainly interesting reading and can be found on:
http://frenterevolucionaria.blogspot.com/

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Beer 'N Stuff

Beer
Squatters quest for a bottle of Lion or Buffalo beer has set me to thinking.
Most countries in this part of the world have their own locally brewed beers which can be very nice. For example, we’ve got Singha, Tiger and of course, Bintang. From what I understand about Bintang, the Dutch (Heineken) helped the Indonesians in the initial brewing of Bintang and turned out a very nice drop.
What if the Portuguese, who also brew a couple of nice beers (I find Super Bock a very acceptable breakfast beer, if a little ‘girly’) helped the Timorese to brew a nice local beer? The beer could be sold at a reasonable price, thus encouraging foreign tourists to come here. “Mate, you gotta try that Timorese brew, its only 80cents a bottle and it does the job”.
But what would we call it? ‘Rock?’, ‘Stone?’ ‘Arrow Beer?’. Suggestions on a postcard please to: fatoldsod, 3rd rock fight on the left, Dili.

Which brings me to

‘N Stuff
A couple of friends have recently mooted the idea of turning East Timor in to one vast Marijuana crop. Now, before you start typing outraged comments, think about it.
There are pro’s and con’s.
The main ‘con’ would be that the U.S. would cut off all aid to East Timor with the Australians and Brits quickly following suit. But, what they hey, we are raking in 100 million bucks a month with the oil and gas so who needs the aid?
The pros: The cuisine would improve immensely, the music too. Most of the local scrotes would be lying in the streets looking for a bar of chocolate and singing Bob Marley songs.
I mean, when was the last time a hippy threw a rock at your car?