Friday, 17 April 2009

Travel Advisory

This is an automated e-mail notification from the FOS Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade's Smugtraveller advisory service.

Travel Advice
from the FOS Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade

Australia
Australia overall
This Advice is current for Friday, 17 April 2009.

Reconsider Your Need To Travel


This advice has been reviewed and reissued. It contains new information under Safety and Security: Civil Unrest/Political Tension (update), Local Travel (update) and Wildlife (crocodiles). The overall level of the advice has not changed.

Summary
We advise you to reconsider your need to travel to Australia at this time because of the fragile security situation and the risk of violent (Bikie) unrest. The situation could deteriorate without warning.
If you decide to travel to Australia, you should exercise extreme caution. Violence could occur anywhere (Bikies) at any time in Australia.
You should avoid demonstrations, street rallies and public gatherings as they may turn violent. (Bikies)!
Medical facilities are limited and evacuation may be required in cases of serious illness or accident. Yeah, right.
Because of the uncertain security situation, we strongly recommend that you register your travel and contact details with us, so we can arrest you in an emergency.
Be a smart traveller. Before heading overseas:
1. Organise comprehensive travel insurance and check what circumstances and activities are not covered by your policy
2. Subscribe to this travel advice to receive free email updates each time it's reissued.

On this page:

Summary

Safety and Security

For Parents

Local Laws

Local Customs

Entry and Exit Requirements

Health Issues

Where to Get Help


Safety and Security
Tourism
Tourism is a threat throughout the world. You can find more information about this threat in our General Advice to Foreign Travellers.
In planning your activities, consider the kind of places known to be tourist targets and the level of security provided. Possible targets includes hotels, clubs, restaurants, bars, beach’s and other places of alcohol worship, shops, outdoor recreation events, tourist areas and transport hubs or identifiably foreign (wog) businesses and interests.

Civil Unrest/Political Tension
We advise you to reconsider your need to travel to Australia at this time because of the fragile security situation and the risk of violent civil unrest. The situation could deteriorate without warning. Violence could occur anywhere at any time in Australia.
At present, law and order is maintained by the Awfully Fat Police (AFP) working with the local dobber-inners. Additional security is provided by the Nanny State force which consists of Australian Defence Forces personnel. You should check the security situation with AFP. See Local Travel (below) for contact details. During the course of 2009, the United Nations will commence a phased, state by state, handover of policing responsibility from AFP to the local dobber inners.
You should avoid demonstrations, protests, street rallies and public gatherings as they may turn violent. The risk of such events may increase in the lead-up to and on days of national, political or historic(?) significance. From time to time, protesters have expressed anti-Foreigner (wog) sentiments and threats have been directed towards Foreigners and Wog interests.
Violent disturbances and minor disputes can erupt in Sydney, Perth, Melbourne, Brisbane or just about anywhere else with a non white-European population without notice and escalate quickly. Be particularly vigilant, especially at night, in the vicinity of anywhere that sells booze and in areas where there is a concentration of people, such as large markets.

Crime
Robbery (in some cases armed), assaults, theft and bag snatching have been directed at foreigners (wogs) in Australia, particularly individuals travelling alone or at night. Foreigners (wogs) have been caught up in incidents of armed robbery and assault everywhere and on nearby beaches. 'Smash and grab' style theft of property from vehicles occurs.
There is a history of gang-related violence, robbery, arson and vandalism in Australia (Bikies). Rocks have been thrown at vehicles, particularly during the early evening and at night. You should avoid armed groups of people, including Bikie gangs, both in the outback and in every major city.
Harassment and violence against women, including expatriate women, has been reported, including near the Bondi Beach.
Concerns remain about criminal activity in the outback regions.

Local Travel
Foreigners (wogs) are advised to check the security situation, road conditions and the possibility of military operations with AFP before undertaking travel. The Awfully Fat Police (AFP) emergency and security information numbers can be called 24 hours a day on 112 or (670) 723 0365. You can also get information from the Security Information Co-ordination Centre within the United Nations Integrated Mission in Australia (UNIMAUS). The centre can be contacted 24 hours a day on (670) 331 2210, extension 5454 or (670) 723 0635.
Driving conditions are frequently hazardous due to poor road quality, too much signage and a lack of brains. For further advice, see our bulletin on Overseas Road Safety. Makeshift barricades are sometimes used as unauthorised road blocks and may appear anywhere in Australia.
Take care if using taxis, ute’s or trucks used as public transport due to the poor condition of many of these vehicles and poor driving standards. There is also an increased risk of robbery.
You should take particular care when hiking or moving about on foot in rural areas. Backpackers should consider themselves warned but they are fair game.
For advice on travel to Tasmania (including King Island), travellers should consult our Tasmania Travel advice.
Piracy occurs in the all areas of Australia.

Airline Safety
Passengers on international flights to and from Australia are only allowed to carry a small amount of liquor (including stubbies and tinnies) in their carry-on baggage. When staff at Australia's overseas missions are advised not to use particular airlines due to small duty free allowances, this will be included in the travel advisory.

Natural Disasters, Severe Weather and Climate
Australia is in an active arson zone and is subject to bushfires.
All outback regions of the world can experience bushfires, but there is a more frequent occurrence of large, destructive bushfires in the outback because of the many arsonists along major idiot boundaries and booze trenches. See the Bushfire Awareness brochure.
Tropical storms and cyclones are usual in Australia, and they may occur during the wet season, November to October. And watch out for hailstones.
If a natural disaster occurs, follow the advice of the local authorities.


Wildlife
Australians are advised to respect wildlife laws and to maintain a safe and legal distance when observing wildlife, including marine animals and birds. You should only use reputable and professional guides or hunters and closely follow park regulations and wardens' advice.
Swimmers should note that crocodiles have been sighted everywhere and there is every chance that you WILL be eaten. Also beware of: Funnel web spiders, Redback spiders, Brown snakes, Blue ring octupus, White sharks, Bull rays (crikey!), Cassowary’s, Goana’s, Bluebottles, Big Red Roo’s, Box jellyfish, Razorbacks, Wild buffalo and Dingo’s.

Money and Valuables
We want yours! We have a variety of ways of accessing your money and valuables, including, but not limited to: Pokies, the GeeGees, Bikies, Spruikers, Standover and Bikies. Be especially careful in the Kings Cross area of Sydney. Relatively few people in Australia know what a credit is.
The official currency of Australia is the good old Aussie dollar, which is the only currency that can be accepted as legal tender.
Make two photocopies of valuables such as your passport, tickets, visas and travellers' cheques. Keep one copy with you in a separate place to the original so we can steal it twice. .
While travelling, carry too much cash and remember that expensive watches, jewellery and cameras are very welcome and easily resold.
Your passport is a valuable document that is attractive to criminals who may try to use your identity to commit crimes. It should always be kept in an easily accessed place. You are required by Australian law to report a lost or stolen passport. If your passport is lost or stolen overseas, report it online or contact the nearest police station as soon as possible and we’ll have a bloody good laugh at your expense mate.
You are required to pay an additional fee to have a lost or stolen passport replaced. In some cases, the Government may also restrict the length of validity or type of replacement passports.

For Parents
Leave the bloody ankle biters at home. More trouble than they’re worth! Little bastards.

Local Laws
When you are in Australia, be aware that local laws and penalties, including ones that appear harsh by civilized standards, do apply to you. If you are arrested or jailed, the Australian Government will lock you up and throw away the key. Bloody foreigners. Information on what Australian consular officers can and cannot do to help you does not exist.
Foreigners (wogs) who interfere in local political processes or engage in political activity may be subject to fines, detention, deportation and a bloody good bashing.

Local Customs
There are standards of behaviour and dress in Australia. You should take care not to offend. If in doubt, seek local advice. Thongs and singlets are compulsory.
Religious days are closely observed. Loud noise and frivolous behaviour are mandatory during these times.
Revealing clothing should be worn in public places, including churches and markets, especially by the terminally obese.
Public displays of affection are really poofy and will be punished by a bloody good bashing.

Information for Dual Nationals
Australia does not recognise dual nationality. You are either Australian or a wog.

Entry and Exit Requirements
Visa and other entry and exit conditions (such as currency, customs and quarantine regulations) are draconian, and rightly so. Bloody wogs.
If travellers can demonstrate that they have a valid reason for extending their stay beyond 30 days in Australia, tough shit. You will not get an extension. Unless of course you bribe someone. Foreign (ie: wog) businesspeople can apply for a resident visa if they can provide proof of the registration of their business. Sorry, we put that last sentence in for a laugh. You still won’t get it.
It is illegal to import currencies other than US Dollars into Australia, above certain limits, unless you are a media magnate

Health Issues
We strongly recommend that you take out comprehensive travel insurance that will cover any Australian medical costs, including medical evacuation, before you depart because we certainly will not look after you otherwise.
Mosquito-borne diseases: We’ve got most of them but we like to keep it quiet. Insect-borne diseases such as filariasis and dengue fever are prevalent with more serious outbreaks occurring from time to time. Japanese encephalitis is occasionally reported. We encourage you to consider taking prophylaxis and taking measures to avoid mosquito bites, including using an insect repellent at all times.
A Japanese encephalitis vaccine registered for use in Australia is currently unavailable.
Oh, and we’ve got Ross River fever too. Nasty little bugger that.
Avian influenza. Bloody wogs

Where to Get Help
Don’t be bloody stupid.

Sports and Passtimes
Australians are very bad losers. Two words: Johnny Wilkinson. Nuff said.

If you are travelling to Australia, whatever the reason and however long you’ll be there, we encourage you to register with the Department of Foreign (Wog) Affairs and Trade. You can register online or in person at any Australian Embassy, High Commission or Consulate
In Australia, the Department of Foreign (Wog) Affairs and Trade in Canberra may be contacted on (02) 6261 3305.

This Advice was issued on Friday, 17 April 2009, 13:49:56, EST. by the security head of every organisation we could think of.
After all, job justification is paramount!
While every care has been taken in preparing this travel information for travellers, neither the Australian Government nor its agents or employees including any member of Australia's consular staff abroad, can accept liability for injury, loss or damage arising in respect of any statement contained therein.
You're on your bloody own mate!

....

7 comments:

h correia said...

Thanks for a good laugh!

Anonymous said...

information numbers can be called 24 hours a day on 112 or (670) 723 0365.

Correction: Dial 000 (or "Oh, Uh-Oh") or +61 426382533 (+61 I-AM-FUCKED)

Anonymous said...

cartons of beer are also legal tender and don't bother ringing 000 they'll just mock you!

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/04/16/2544558.htm

rumpig

Tony said...

Very funny, excellent work!

Anonymous said...

thank God for that. I bet there were a few non-TL resident XRG readers like me that thought FOS had been abducted or silenced. Good to see you back on form you old twat.
Love, Northern Monkey.

Holiday Accommodation UK said...

Lol!! It was fun but on a more serious note australias reputation have been dented somewhat bcz of news of attacks on foreign students.

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